There Goes My Life
by Queequg471
Summary: There goes my life, my future, my everything, might as well kiss it all goodbye. There goes my life."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alright, so I was watching some of the earlier Faith episodes, and this idea popped into my head. I think if Faith was ever to have a baby, her first reaction would be that this would be a huge mistake, probably because she loves being a Slayer so much. Thus, this story was born. I honestly don't know how long it'll be, but I don't think it'll be too long. This is my first Buffy fanfic. I totally blame David Boreanaz for getting me addicted to Buffy. I loved him on Bones, so I wanted to see him as Angel, and I didn't think I'd care about the rest of the show. Little did I know…..**

**Please read and review! If nobody likes this I won't bother continuing it, so please let me know!**

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"Alright, Ms. Lehane. The doctors will clean you up now and take you to recovery, and I'll send the social worker in to collect the baby."

The doctor patted Faith Lehane on the knee in a gesture that was probably meant to be comforting, but only came across to Faith as disapproving. Faith could practically hear him thinking she was just another idiotic teenager too lazy to care for her own child. She snorted disbelievingly. If only he knew.

Robin sat next to Faith and leaned his forehead against hers, and for a brief moment, Faith allowed herself to relax and meet his eyes. He looked at her with so many emotions in his eyes, Faith couldn't count them all. Regret, pride, sadness, love, Faith felt the gaze boring into her, until she forced herself to look away. Thankfully, a flurry of action caught her attention. The nurses were carrying a tiny, squalling bundle of blankets over to a scale.

Faith tried to tell herself to look away, that it would be better for herself and the kid if they never laid eyes on each other. However, her eyes seemed to lock on the small form, and she watched as the nurses unwrapped the baby.

The newborn wailed and thrashed its arms and legs, as if demonstrating exactly how pissed off it was to be stuck with the nurses. Faith felt herself smile. The kid had attitude.

In the next half-hour, the doctors thoroughly cleaned Faith and the baby, moved her to her own room, asked her what seemed like endless pointless questions so they could admit her, and kicked Robin out. He left reluctantly, telling Faith he'd be back after he showered and changed.

Through it all, Faith's eyes never left the baby. Shocked at her own behavior, Faith couldn't belief that the kid who she had seen throughout the pregnancy as an unnecessary burden. But when the social worker, who Faith had hated since they had met, came into her room and picked up the baby, she suddenly found herself asking,

"Hey, can I see the kid for a few?"

All the adults in the room cast her surprised looks, as if they expected she'd hurt the kid if she ever laid her hands on her. The social worker shuffled forward, the baby still wailing in her arms, and pasted a smile onto her face.

"I know it's…difficult to let a child go, Faith, but often it's easier if –"

"Look, lady, did I ask for a life-affirming speech? Don't believe so. I asked to hold the kid for a few. Hand it over."

The social worker's smile slipped and she sighed in resignation. Shifting carefully, she placed the baby in Faith's outstretched arms. Faith fumbled awkwardly for a way to hold the baby. She had never held a baby before, how could she be sure she was doing it right? But nobody came rushing to yank the kid away and the baby didn't wail any louder, so Faith figured she was okay for now.

"Pretty little girl you've got there," remarked the doctor.

Faith settled her daughter into her arms, pulling the blankets away from the newborn's face. Slowly, the baby quieted as her eyes focused on Faith's face. The infant's face was tear stained, and Faith couldn't help brushing the tears away with her forefinger. The child's eyes locked with Faith's, and Faith's breath caught in her throat.

Forcing herself to look up, Faith whistled to get the doctor's attention.

"Yo, doc, we done here?"

The doctor looked up, and Faith caught the glint of exasperation in his eyes and the stiffness of his back as he nodded.

"Good then, clear out. Need some alone time with her."

This time, there was an unmistakable hesitation from all adults present. Faith gave her signature scoff.

"What, you think I'm gonna kill the kid? I haven't signed any papers giving her to you yet, so technically, she's still mine. Clear out."

Slowly, carefully, the doctor, the nurses and the social worker left the room, with one nurse handing Faith a bottle and diapering supplies as she left.

"Gonna need those, honey. This little one's gonna be hungry not too long from now."

"Thanks," said Faith softly.

Finally, everyone cleared out, and she was left alone with the baby, who was still quiet, eyes trained on Faith. Slowly, she unwrapped the blanket and inspected the baby, head to toe.

She was impossibly small. Faith hadn't ever seen anything so tiny. She balanced the baby on her knees, touching her gently, as if she were made of glass that could shatter at any moment. Her skin was incredibly soft, and a light cocoa color. Her facial features were delicate, like Faith's. She had big brown eyes and a shock of black hair. Her limbs were still curled inward, and Faith gently placed her arms by her sides.

For moments, she laid there, baby on her knees, just staring. Then suddenly, the baby's face scrunched, and she let out a cry. A moment of panic seized Faith. What the hell had she been thinking, asking to be left alone with the baby? She didn't know jack about taking care of babies. What was she supposed to do when the baby started crying?

Suddenly she remembered the bottle the nurse had left, and her warning that the baby would be hungry soon. Faith grabbed the bottle off the nightstand and shoved it into the baby's mouth. She quieted instantly, sucking from the bottle.

"Don't blame you, kid," Faith grinned. "I yell if I get hungry too."

They lay in silence for long moments, the baby drinking with her eyes fixed on Faith. Faith sighed heavily.

"Might as well be straight with you," she said. "You're probably going to end up with someone else. No offence, kid, but you don't want to end up with me. Your mom lives a crazy life. Kinda love it though. See, your mom slays all those monsters that hide under bed. Which reminds me, if your mommy ever tells you a couple years from now that there are no monsters under the bed, tell her she's an idiot for me."

The baby made a noise that Faith could almost swear was a laugh, which made Faith smile in turn.

"Yep, you'd sure be better off with someone else. So I guess this is goodbye, kid."

Faith's brain was yelling at her to put the baby down, especially if she was going to give her up. But somehow, her arms seemed frozen. Why the hell did she feel like this? Why did she ask to see the kid in the first place? The whole pregnancy, she'd been sure she'd give the kid up without so much as a glance, and then get back to the slayage. So why couldn't she even put the baby down?

The baby hiccupped in her arms, and Faith studied her.

"Still, even if we're never gonna see each other again, not right for you to go without a name. You should at least have a name."

Faith scrutinized the baby carefully. The baby blinked slowly, as if she was wondering herself what her name should be.

"Amber," Faith whispered softly. "Amber Leigh. I think it suits you, don't you?"

The baby gave a little yawn around the bottle, and Faith chuckled.

"That's it, then. It's been…interesting, Amber. But this is goodbye."

But strangely, no matter how much she said it, Faith couldn't seem to make herself believe it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This time I have an actual excuse for how late this is. University and residence. I hate them. Well, actually, I like what I'm studying, but lots of work. **

**Anyhow, that's why this chapter is so late. Much apologies, hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Not Joss Whedon, giving me ownership of Faith and Wood, or Kenny Chesney, giving me ownership of the wonderful song There Goes My Life. The only thing I own is the plot and Amber.**

"So, your house is by the water?" Faith scrutinized the older couple in front of her carefully.

The man nodded. "Summer home, yes. I mean it's…it's perfectly safe for babies, we could put up gates and such." He scrambled when he took note of Faith's doubtful face.

Faith nodded slowly. "Place by the water…sounds like a nice place for a kid to grow up."

Hope flashed across the couple's face, a sight that strangely made Faith's stomach knot. She had been in the hospital for several days now, and had interviewed several couples wanting to adopt the baby. All of them seemed the same, loving and kind, rich and privileged, everything Faith's parents weren't. The baby would be fine with any of them, she knew.

Still, with every couple she saw, she found herself rushing from the room, repeating what was becoming her mantra under her breath.

"No. They can't have her. They can't have Amber."

The social worker was becoming increasingly frustrated. This last couple was one of the last ones she had lined up, and Faith knew she wished for nothing more than for Faith to just pick one, so she could place the baby.

Robin was getting confused too. Faith had said throughout her pregnancy that she was giving the baby up, and for as long as he had known her, he knew she had always had the ability to lock everything that hurt her away inside, never letting on how painful it was for her. She was always able to stay detached.

But with the baby, however – Amber, he reminded himself, Faith had chosen a perfect name for her – Faith couldn't seem to detach. Most days she sat in her room for hours on end, just staring at Amber. Yesterday, when the nurses had brought the baby to where Faith and Robin lay on Faith's bed, Faith had placed the baby gently into Robin's arms.

"She's gorgeous, isn't she?"

Choked up, Robin managed a small nod. Almost out of instinct, he began to sway gently and hum a tune he vaguely remembered from childhood. He could almost swear he saw the infant smile as her dark eyes closed and her breathing became deep and regular.

Robin continued to hold the baby, looking towards Faith, who watched them both. Her hands were clenching on the sheets. A soft chuckle escaped his lips.

"What?" said Faith.

"You're dying to take her back."

"I am not!" Faith said indignantly.

"You are so. I can see your hands clenching."

Faith shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Maybe I got a wrist cramp."

Robin shook his head.

"Somehow I doubt that." He cast another look onto the baby, he and Faith's baby, who still slept peacefully. He reached down with one finger and caressed her cheek.

"She's beautiful though," he whispered.

"Yeah." Faith confirmed softly, her eyes fixed on the baby.

For moments, they simply sat, and then Robin gently passed the baby back to Faith, who cradled the child carefully in her arms.

Robin sighed heavily.

"Alright, Faith. No more avoiding this. Why haven't you picked a couple for her if you want her adopted so badly?"

"Haven't found the right one," Faith said shortly.

"I meant the real reason," Robin said gently.

Faith looked up at him, and he could see her eyes pleading with him not to press this, but it had to be done. He met her gaze steadily.

Faith dropped her head and fell silent, until it seemed to Robin that she had chosen to ignore him. He was just about to press the matter again when Faith spoke, so softly he had to strain to hear her.

"I thought I could back off."

Robin furrowed his brow in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

Faith gave a loud sigh, shifting her eyes back down to the baby, who had begun to squirm.

"Does she – "

"She wants to be fed." Faith interrupted. "Hand me that bottle over there."

Robin passed her a bottle off the side table, and watched as Faith rubbed it between her hands to warm it up, then tested it on the inside of her wrist.

The baby had begun to cry, softly at first, but by this time her cries had become loud wails. Faith stuck the bottle in her mouth and Amber quieted instantly, contentedly sucking.

Robin watched her deft movements with awe. Was this really the same Faith who didn't so much as know how to hold a baby?

"Faith," he said softly. "How much time have you been spending with her?"

"Little bit," Faith said dismissively. "She'll need to be changed about an hour or so after she finishes –"

"Faith..." Robin implored, eyes pleading for the truth.

There was another long pause, and Robin noticed that Amber's eyes had not moved from Faith since she had started feeding. They had the same eyes, he noticed. Deep brown. Identical deep brown eyes as mother and daughter stared at each other.

"You thought I didn't give a shit. Through the whole thing, right?" Faith questioned softly.

Robin looked up. Faith was looking at him now, and he was shocked to see tears filling her eyes.

"What?"

"The whole pregnancy thing. You thought I didn't give a shit about her, right?"

Upgrade from calling the baby "it" to "her", Robin noted. However, he did remember Faith being incredibly distant during the whole pregnancy. He had to force her to her doctor's appointments, force her to take her vitamins, never saw her talk to the baby or rest her hand on her stomach.

His silence was also the answer Faith needed. Beckoning angrily, she indicated her bag she had asked Robin to bring.

"Box in there. Give it to me."

Robin reached down and handed an antique wooden box to Faith. Faith removed one hand from Amber's back and threw it open, shoving it at Robin.

It was filled with papers and small objects. He looked closer. Ultrasound pictures, doctor's prescriptions, even some pages with lists of names written on them. There were a few battered baby toys and even a worn stuffed rabbit. At the very bottom, Robin found a picture of himself and Faith, his arm slung around her, Faith smiling up at him.

There seemed to be no end to the surprises today. He looked up at Faith, utterly stunned, even more so to find her cheeks flaming with embarrassment, and, he guessed a bit of anger.

"Don't know why, before you ask," she said shortly.

"Faith…basically everything related to the baby is in here. And what is this?" Robin asked, holding up the rabbit.

Faith's cheeks colored even more.

"It was mine. I don't know, I just thought she might want it…it was pretty much the only comfort I had when I was a kid."

"Why did you keep all this?" Robin whispered.

"I don't _know_!" Faith snapped, her sharp words startling Amber. The baby looked up fearfully, but Faith rubbed her back soothingly, and she settled back onto her bottle.

"You put this together before she was born?"

Faith nodded.

"And why are you showing it to me?"

A shrug. "Bothers me, for some reason, you think I'm some kind of robot."

"Faith, why..."

"Look, can we not talk about this?" Faith said shortly. "She needs to be burped. Just…can you just go get me some food?"

"Faith, we need to talk about…"

"Potential fake parents, I know. Later."

With that, she slung a cloth over her shoulder and hefted Amber into position. Feeling like he had just been kicked out, Robin meekly left, his head still spinning.

Why had Faith kept all those papers? Some were the most mundane of paperwork, how could all that be important to her? And why had she given the baby she had always talked of as if she were a burden such personal mementos? And why was she stalling so much with finding adoptive parents?

Robin slowly made his way to the cafeteria, with more questions swirling in his head then he could ever hope to answer.

**A/N#2: And there it is. I love the Faith/Wood pairing, I think they had so much chemistry for having only a few scenes. And I love the visual of Faith and Amber staring at each other. My cousin used to do the same thing, just stare at you the whole time you were giving him his bottle. It was ridiculously adorable. **

**I'd love to see some reviews, so I can know people are liking this. **


	3. Chapter 3

Janice Deacon had finally caught a break. After nearly a week and a half of deliberating, her extremely stubborn charge Faith Lehane was finally allowing an adoptive couple to see the baby. Janice had to tell more couples that the birth mother had said no in the past week than in several of her regular cases put together. This birth mother wasn't a typical client by any means, however. Most of her charges were young, street-smart teenagers who had gotten themselves into trouble and wanted to get rid of the baby as quick as possible. It was the type of case she preferred. Janice didn't relate easily to emotions and vulnerability. She was good at her job; she simply worked much more efficiently when it was a cut and dry, one way out of the birth, the visitation and the adoption. Thus, she could see why the agency paired her with Ms. Lehane. The young woman seemed tough and detached, uninterested in mothering. She was with someone – not her husband, Janice knew, the young woman had insisted he was not – and they seemed happy together. That was uncommon of her clients. Not once during the time she had known Ms. Lehane, though, or her partner Robin, had either of them shared any personal information about themselves. When she had inquired as to what the young woman did, she had simply muttered something about offices and how they were torture chambers. Even muttered under her breath, it sounded rehearsed and false, but she knew that she would get nowhere in pressing her charge, so the topic was laid to rest.

Which is mostly why, with so little of herself shared, Janice Deacon could not for the life of her figure out where Ms. Lehane had completely derailed her original adoption plan. In most cases, the baby was born, then immediately taken away. It was easier on the birth mother usually, when they didn't have their son or daughter's face imprinted constantly in their minds for the rest of their lives. She had expected Ms. Lehane's daughter's birth to go no differently. Instead, the young woman had insisted on being alone with the child and since then, had barely let the little girl out of her sight. Even Mr. Wood couldn't figure out what was going on with her.

The potential parents were an older couple in their forties. They had tried unsuccessfully for over a decade to have a baby of their own, before adopting a boy from Russia two years ago. They had explained to Janice that they really wanted a girl to "make their family complete."

*****

The Chestertons quietly opened the door of Faith's hospital room and let themselves in. Their eyes immediately fell on the baby sleeping in Faith's arms. Faith's head snapped up at the sound of the door opening, and Janice could see a shadow fall across her eyes as she took in the couple. They made their way over to the bed and introduced themselves.

"Oh…look at the little one!" Mrs. Chesterton cooed. She looked at Faith, asking for permission to pick the baby up. Faith sized her up suspiciously, but gave a reluctant nod to the affirmative. The woman picked up the baby gently and held her, talking softly to the infant. Her husband joined her as they bent over the little girl, stroking the black tufts of hair.

Robin, sitting beside Faith on the bed, noticed her reaction immediately. Her whole body tensed, her hands clenched into tight fists and she glared through narrowed eyes at the couple. He nudged her with his shoulder gently, shocked when Faith turned and hid her face in his shoulder, as if she couldn't look at the baby with the Chestertons. Robin extended his arm around her, pulling Faith into him.

"Faith," he whispered. "I –"

"Shut up." Faith hissed. "Stop looking at me like I want to keep her. I'm a slayer. Can't be a slayer and…mom too," she said, spitting out "mom" like it was poisonous.

Defeated again, Robin simply tightened his arm around Faith and watched as the Chestertons fussed over what he had always hoped would be his daughter.

*****

One day later, there was another knock at the door, but this time, the visitors were Rupert Giles and Buffy Summers. Faith looked bewildered briefly, then turned to Robin with eyes flaming.

"Dude, you _called _them? What the hell?"

Robin took Faith's face in his hands. "Listen to me. I love you, and in order for you to be happy, you have to make a decision about Amber. You don't seem to listen to me, so maybe you'll listen to them and make a decision for her, making you more happy, and then by proxy, me, because of the previously mentioned love."

Faith's eyes softened briefly, but she yanked her face away from Robin with a scoff.

"Nothin' to talk about."

"Perhaps we could be the judges of that," suggested Giles.

With a nod, Robin slipped from the room. Giles settled himself down in Robin's former chair, with Buffy perched on the edge.

Giles cleared his throat, as if inviting Faith to speak. Her defenses up, she looked at them warily.

"What you want me to say? I told you, nothin' to say."

"Faith…you are a very…very decisive girl. You make snap decisions and you don't tend to look back. And,and….I believe, in this case, Mr. Wood was simply worried that you didn't seem to be able to make a decision as you normally would. We are only here to inquire as to the reasons for that."

Faith scoffed. "You got no idea what's going through my head."

Giles gave a slow nod. "Buffy," he turned to the other young woman. "Would you mind fetching me and Faith some coffee? I've heard there's a cafeteria downstairs."

Buffy nodded and hurried out, looking grateful for an escape. As soon as she was gone, Giles slid his chair closer to Faith's bed.

"I certainly know more about what's 'going through your head' than you give me credit for, Faith. Despite what anyone thinks, despite how fervently you may try and deny it to yourself; you are acting in the role of a parent."

Immediately, Faith shook her head, but Giles pressed on.

"A selfish person by definition only wants what is best for themselves. But being a parent requires one to rise above that, so to speak." Giles glanced at the door Buffy had left through. "I know I'm not…her real parent, but I've somehow always found myself acting in a parental role towards her. Thinking of what's best for her, above all else."

Giles fixed Faith with a serious look. "You're being her parent, Faith. You are trying to protect her from the harm you think would come to her were you to keep her. You think she deserves better than you. Once again, you think so little of yourself that you assume you could only do her harm. That's not the case, Faith. You have come exceptionally far in past years."

Tears burned the back of Faith's eyes but she blinked to force them back. Giles nodded sagely. The door opened suddenly, and both of them turned towards it, expecting Buffy, but instead it was a nurse with the little bundle in her arms. Without saying anything, the nurse turned to Faith and gently laid Amber in Faith's arms. Instinctively, Faith's arms tightened around the small bundle, making Giles smile.

Silence reigned for long moments, until Faith whispered "I can't do that to her. I can't be puttin' her in danger all the time."

"You once said that you would fight harder if it was for someone. Why couldn't she be that someone?"

Faith's head dropped to look at the infant. Slowly, she raised a finger to stroke the baby's cheek.

"I don't even have a place to take her."

Giles scoffed. "Really? Not even the big house with the giant empty room and the hordes of baby-crazy teenage girls?"

Faith slowly raised her eyes, fixing them on Giles. "Really?"

Smiling, the ex-Watcher nodded. And for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile broke out on Faith's face.


End file.
